


Cross Your Mind

by frustrataed



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:13:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29153346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frustrataed/pseuds/frustrataed
Summary: Levi finds it hard to sleep ever since you left.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/You, Levi Ackerman & Reader, Levi Ackerman/Reader, Levi/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	Cross Your Mind

Levi throws the covers to the side as he struggles to catch his breath, eyes wide open now. Perhaps he should have drunk more tea. Or perhaps he shouldn't have given up on the endless pile of paperwork in his office. _Sleep is for the weak,_ he heard Springer say one day, and he almost smiled when you leaned closer to his ear, letting him know that he's the hardest one to wake in the morning.

Levi's bed hasn't always been uncomfortable. In fact, he doesn't recall feeling irritated about it until you stopped occupying its left side. He knows it's just a minor inconvenience, and if it weren't connected to you, he'd probably just ignore it.

But it's been years, years since he last heard your voice or touched your hand, years since he broke every single defense, with force, anger. His guilt suffocates him, but only at night, even when he allows sleep to caress his suffering forehead.

When he sent you away, he failed to consider the consequences, not only to his own mentality, but also the others'. You were loved, respected, you were strong and strong at heart, but it was easy for Levi to pierce through it because you made the mistake of leaving a small space, just for him. His words carried the meaning of the world for you, and that's why you did as coldly instructed.

He loved you. He _loves_ you. And he indefinitely dismissed you of your duties because he couldn't bear his own thoughts and images, images of you getting killed. Levi didn't want to face the possible reality of having to carry your limp body back, no. His vision, his legs, his power, they would all betray him.

He debated a lot in his mind before coming forward. The first option was to completely shatter you by tossing you horrible lies, that you're an unworthy waste of space, that you should go back home and never see the sun again, that he despises you with every fiber of his forsaken being. The other option was to be honest. And at the end of the day, truth hurts more than bloated fiction.

"You heard me. This is not a question, it's _an order._ Go back, go back to your family and hug them tight. As long as I'm alive and breathing, I promise that you'll live a safe life, but it's in your hand to make it a happy one, away from here."

"How can you be so selfish? You told me to devote my heart, and that's all I've done since the very first day! You can't suddenly force me to go just because you don't want to deal with reality!

Whether we like it or not, people die all the time. I... I'm not leaving. I don't care if I die, but if I go, I want to go with a clear conscience. I want to die protecting my people, the man I love."

He remembers these words so clearly, it really feels like it happened yesterday. He also remembers managing to crack your determination enough for you to agree, with tears in your eyes. This part stings to recall, but he sadly has to for narration purposes.

"I don't want you here, y/n. You distract me, I always end up searching for you like a madman when we're on a mission and I hate it. I know it sounds selfish, but I don't need my unwanted feelings for you getting in the way."

"Unwanted?"

"Yes, unwanted."

His words failed him miserably because that's not how he wanted to sound, really. When he noticed the sadness in your eyes, Levi realized that maybe he did the right thing. He hurt you enough to at least make you consider.

He learned that you visited Erwin's office later that day, but her never saw for himself. Actually, _unwanted_ was the last word he ever heard you say. You left without saying goodbye to anyone, afraid that it would make things more difficult for you to let go.

You told your commander, and yourself, that it was going to be for a short period of time and that you'd be back.

But that never happened.

It's been six long years and Levi's bed becomes more and more insufferable. Maybe he should just start sitting on his chair from now on.

He wonders if you ever cross his mind with as much frequency. He wonders if you've stayed true to his orders. He wonders if there's someone else you've devoted your heart to.

He swears he recognizes your face somewhere in the crowd during one of his squad's returns in the walls. He looks around again and again, in case you're there to take even the slightest mote of grief off of his heavy shoulders.

Nobody of importance approaches him.

Just the same devastated faces he's learned to digest through the years.


End file.
